Monday, August 24, 2009

What Is Gayface?

Hey Sweeties!

How's your summer so far? Are you being randy and handy? Here at last is your faithful HAG to get you on the good foot!

What Is Gayface?
Lots of folks may have their feelings about Sir Perez Hilton, but you can't deny his success, nor his ability to call anyone out on their shit. He drags some Hollywood gays out of the closet kicking and screaming and with others, he merely points out their "gayface."

This is a term some of my gays find humorous, others offensive. No one on earth wants to be judged by their looks or sexuality. But whether we like to admit it or not, we all compartmentalize to some degree.

When sizing up boys for sexual preference, I suppose I silently register 'gayface' before my gaydar goes whoot whoot. And as a lover of all men who love men, I can honestly say that stereotyping doesn't even subconsciously enter into it. It's like saying that Armenian chicks have big asses or that art students are obnoxiously affected -- these attributes, more often than not, simply point one toward a tendency -- not an actuality.

So let's see if it holds true. For the purposes of maintaining the integrity of this experiment, I've chosen men with similar features and coloring. For example, I say this fella, let's call him Exhibit A (Zachary Quinto), possesses a classic case of "gayface." Here I will walk you through the "5 Factor" or the five clues that led me to this conclusion.

Exhibit A

1. Note the perfectly negotiated negative landing strip between the brows. This is not the work of a Tweezerman. Wax has come between those brows and it was applied by a professional.

2. The five o'clock shadow is even, hinting that his face was purposefully mowed with expert utensils.

3. The impeccably muted sheen of his skin hints at possible use of Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil, where a straight actor might require thicker coverage for more damaged skin due to lack of facials.

4. The smooth forehead points toward prophylactic use of Botox or other skin preservant.

5. The clumping of hair points toward generous application of hair product.

Now, we move onto Exhibit B (Eddie Cibrian), whom we'll call "Straightface." Or as recent reports about him leaving his wife and young children for skanky LeeAnn Rimes would have it, "Doucheface."

Exhibit B
1. Note the telltale wayward scruff that's gathered around and between the brows. This is a classic clue that distinguishes gayface from straightface.

2. The five o'clock shadow is remarkably uneven, indicating this man takes a razor to his own very own face. Using an over the counter razor and skin care regimens you can obtain at CVS, no less.

3. Wrinkles embedded in forehead point markedly toward a preference in embedding women over men.

4. Allowance for moles and freckling show lack of professional dermatological attention.

5. Hefty baggage beneath eyes and ample crows feet further underline matters 2 and 4.

So there you have it. Sure, not all gay men are consumed with obtaining professional help for matters above the neck, but most will admit that attending to those issues consume 2-4 more hours a week than it does for a straight man. Trust.

Of course, my ability to sport eyeliner like guyliner and coif my brows may well deem me a Hagface -- a pussy who anticipates and fears the impact of gay male critique -- but I digress.

RIP Gaydar?
This recent article in the NY Post, wonderously points out that you can't judge a gay by his cover. No shit, Sherlock.

"Gay men are butcher than they used to be, and straight men aren't as inclined to butch it up as much," says Ross von Metzke, editor of

The article goes on to point out that, as metrosexuals have "dipped their toes in the proverbial waters of prettiness," meaning you can no longer tell a breeder by a baseball cap, homosexuality has become more visible in mainstream media, and gender lines have gone and blurred.

She claims it's awkward asking a man if he's straight, which is totally true. But because straight men have gay friends? Wha? Gay men have to ask too, you know.

"I think [straight] guys are genuinely interested in hanging out with gay people," von Metzke says. "As society evolves, people are much less inclined to be weird about it. I don't necessarily think that gaydar is dead. I think that it's becoming a strange sort of middle ground that's hard to determine."

There's some truth to this. But as A Hag Supreme, I beg to differ. Gaydar is alive and thumpin' -- thanks very much. It's just not completely foolproof, nor is it bestowed upon everyone. Laser sharp gaydar isn't gifted to just any hetero who follows a few Bravo shows, or has a gay buddy across the cubicle at work. It takes years and years of awkward moments to cultivate and hone. So grab a clean strap-on and get to it, honey!

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Top Chef - The Gender Benders Addition
The masters series was a snorefest of niceties and we get to spend a whole 'nuther season watching rapt for Padma Lakshmi's upper lip to move. In the spirit of this gayface entry, 80% of this season's contenders must've checked off the "sexually ambiguous" box on the entry application because Team Rainbow is in effect - fuh' shuh.' This team was a true test of "gayface." If not for the name Ashley, I'd a pegged one lanky contestant as a 20 year old EMO guitar player with gently dangling penii. Ironically, its last name is "Merriman."

At first glance my predictions for the top 5:

Jen - the bitchy chick who worked for Ripert
The Brothers - 'cos sibling rivalry makes for good TV
Jesse - here's hoping we don't see her get spinach caught in her chin divet
Mattin - because he's French

"I've Got Odors In Special Places."

That's it for now, my beautiful babies!

With much love, your ever faithful,



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