Friday, March 27, 2009

RiRi's Got a Gun

Happy Monday Bitches!

Is it me or is the general populous out to act the fool lately? For example, I just asked the very bored barista at an empty coffee shop I don't normally frequent to please watch my laptop, which is positioned at the only available table right by an open door, while I took a moment to relieve myself. And the convo progressed as such:

Me: "Excuse me, would you mind terribly keeping an eye on my laptop while I hop in here a sec?"

Him: "Well, I can't guarantee anything."  

Me: "I'm not sure what you mean."

Him: "Well I'm merely saying that I might get called away."

Me: "How about right now?"

Him: "Well, I don't know."

Me: "You don't have any customers."

Him: "You never know."

Me: "So I should bring my laptop in the bathroom with me?"

Him: "If you like."

Next time someone answers me so stupidly, get your cams ready because I'm 'bout to pull a Kelly Killoren and SMACK someone down.

Ready for the GOSS?


A few weeks back, this blind item was posted on various goss sites claiming a young A list actress with a respectable reputation was carrying on behind closed doors with a very married, cheating dog of an Academy Award winner. And now the dirty laundry is flying on the flagpole, as it's been revealed the skank in question is none other than Natalie Portman. A witness sang to Star mag that she saw them sucking face at the Sunset Tower Bar!

Might want to keep your legs closed there, Nat.

RiRi's Got A Gun
Rihanna flew in one of her tattoo artist buddies to brand her with a few .45s, which were promptly displayed on his/her MySpace page. 

How is this news? She's posing with these images that arm her against future physical harm, but also the prying eyes of the paps and the general public's inclination to get all up in her grill about what's best for her. 

Maybe she's as loaded as she wishes these pistols were.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

RuPaul's Drag Race
And the winner is....CAMEROOOOOON! After viewing about five minutes of the finale, this was no surprise. Bebe Zahara Benet spoke eloquently about her desire to educate and aid the HIV suffering Africans of her homeland, Ru toasted to her success and, in spite of having to lipsync for her life, the decision was made right there. Beauty booty 'Becca Glasscock fucked it up after claiming Bebe and Nina were jealous of her because they were "old." Nina might be 35, but honey, Bebe -- the winner --  is two younger. I still think you are gorgeous, but calm your poom poom down.

Real Housewives of NYC
If you haven't tuned into this awesome atrocity as of yet, this show is all that's great about reality TV - a heaping dose of the legal deadly sins.  And what's interesting is how these women have evolved since last season: LuAnn was the sane one and now she's got a pole stuck up her ass. As the ever quotable Bethanny says - she's not a countess, she's a discountess.  Next week features a smack down between Bethanny and Kelly, the new housewife. Personally, I think Bethanny's jeals and has her back up for no real reason. Can't wait for Tuesday!

American Idol

This year, it's all about a boy and his baby hag: Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta. She's the best singer I've seen up there since Kelly Clarkson. Sweet gayfaced little Adam is inventive and phenomenal.  Lots of scribes are out to out him, saying there's footage of him in full drag making out with a boy. DUH! 

Instead, folks should focus on the real issue: The tone deaf Megan Joy has made it this far solely because she vaguely resembles a bulimic Jessica Simpson. She's all that's wrong with the music business. She sounds like shit, she thinks the white man's overbite is an actual dance move, and her skinny skank ass needs to go, toute suite.

Sick Sad Irony of the Week
So, a WABC newsman was hacked to pieces by a sick 16 year old kid three blocks from my apartment after making the unfortunate decision to score rough sex on Craigslist.  The day after all the news trucks packed up and went, Law & Order shows up to film brownstone scenes just one block away. Bet this story makes one of their "ripped from the headlines" season finales. Saw both Jeremy Sisto and Anthony Anderson gearing up for their scenes. Keep your eyes peeled for Henry & Woodhull! 

Psychic Friends
No, I don't mean the return of Dionne Warwick. My dear friend, Sir Alex Palermo, has been burning up newswaves around the world since being featured in an article in the LA Times about how people are turning to psychics for advice in these desperate times. Just get a load of him breaking it down for this newsdo. 

That's it for now, kiddies! 


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