Thursday, March 12, 2009

Orange-You Glad to Be Lindsey?

It's Full Moon Fever, bitches!

Won't you join me for THE GOSS....

Lindsey Lohan - Non-Stop Brand Machine?

No, she's not upselling little packets of baby powder so you too can look like you spend thousands for those chic "party circles" around your nostrils.

Such a clever name! Such a marketable picture! Never before has she been so appealing!

Besides, wouldn't you just line up to take self tanning advice from this seasoned afficionado?

Exactly what happened here?
Did she pass out with her punk-rock Chucks on in the spray room?

Was she auditioning for a role as the tortured spawn of Rapunzel and an Oompa-Loompa?

Are platform spats the hot new look?

The point is...what?

The Saga of Rihanna & Chris
Is she married to him? Is she knocked up? Were they canoodling at Puffy/Spiffy/Diddy's secluded Miami abode? 

I heard this once and it stuck: Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Here's hoping someone's slipping a CD player next to Rihanna's bed with this mantra on repeat, because it looks like RiRi's primed and poised for round two.  

More importantly, Nickelodeon has yet to drop his steaming skidmarked ass from their Kid's Choice Awards.

In this biz, there's always money to be made from pain. Next season, 'tween girls will be lining up at the derm for "the Rihanna" lip injections and all the rage will be smeared bruise purple eyeliner.

Bristol + Levi = TruLuv4Neva
Uh. Duh.

The Family Gay

This. Is. Genius.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

RuPaul's Drag Race!
The press-ons were bared at Ms. Glasscock on this week's episode, where Ru's sweet sistergirls had to construct bathing, corporate and evening looks for their femme alters. If you ask me, these bitches are just jeals of the genteel Bec, because she is naturally beauteous and almost convincing. She held her tiara high and didn't scratch back. 

Anywho, the obnox but talented Shannel was told to sashay away, leaving my three best gals to vie for the title of Killer Queen:

Rebecca Glasscock
Nina Flowers
Bebe Zahara Benet

Who'll take it? 

The United States of Tara
As the season continues, I'm more and more wowed by Diablo Cody's brilliant penwomanship. Who else could effectively work a term like, "make sissy" into a script? Toni Collette's stealth performance is blowing my mind as a mom with five alter-egos, including a hooded creature that pisses on her dad. Post it: If you aren't into the oh-so-effable John Corbett after his portrayal as the long-suffering devoted husband Max, you are simply devoid of a groin. 

Celebrity Sighting of the Week
This was wired in by a few readers, but I also personally caught a glimpse of Philip Seymour Hoffman huffing on a ciggie on the steps of Guido's Funeral Home on Clinton Street last week in the midst of fliming Jack Goes Boating, a project he's also producing and directing. It's about "a stoned limo driver looking for different ways to attract a girlfriend." Hence the scruffy blue cap. 

Why are stoners always portrayed wearing hats? They bathe. They wash their hair. 
Stereotype enforcers take note: It's the junkies who avoid the bath. 

That's it, babies. Good day. 

I say, good day!



Anonymous said...

UPDATE: Chris Brown has removed himself from Nick's Kid's Choice.... why no mention of everyone's favorite fly Jeff Goldblum???

Anonymous said...

I hope self-tanning becomes a trend... "Michael Kors Carotene Bath" anyone?

Mr. Pink said...

I'm still holding on to hope that Ri won't go back. She will. Those types of people tend to be attracted to each other.

Momma Comma said...

Because Anonymous - peeps are busy 'round here!
Jeff Goldblum was spotted shooting L&O downtown...

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