Friday, February 06, 2009

Shit Fits and Fit Shits

What up, party people?

Ever have a total shit fit in public? Anyone who says they haven't is so full of merde. I don't care how much of a poised control freak you are, someone, somewhere in your existence, has seen you act as if you've over-pissed your diaper and the hush money is recorded in your checkbook under miscellaneous.

Mine occur behind the wheel.  The windows muffle the vitriol that foams out of my mouth, as fellow drivers view this melodramatic display in horror. 

It ain't pretty, nor is it politically correct. But it is human. Which leads me to this first display of celebrity humanity... 

Bale's Shit Fit - The Remix!

Get down you FUCKS! Thanks Jenzo!

Considering Christian Bale's mom had him arrested for assault last year, it sounds like he is predisposed to this kind of tantrum, the grade of which I'm more accustomed to from my seventeen month old daughter when repo-ing a bottle of Tylenol PM or some other dangerous misugas the deft little klepto gets her hands on.  He apologized publicly today, saying he "acted like a punk" on an LA morning show.

No shit, Sherlock! But we have to thank you for getting us to ask ourselves what it would sound like if our weakest moment was set to a throbbin' club beat.

Don't Fear the Reefer

American golden boy, mucho muchacho Olympiad Michael Phelps got busted sucking away on a question to you, dear readers, is SO WHAT? Does this really erase his tremendous accomplishments? 

Someone should've handed him a bong at the very first post-Olympic party. The guy certainly earned a little mental time off. It's not like a hooker was shooting meth into his penis, for crying out loud. At worst, he bogarted all the raw cookie dough in the fridge and fell asleep.

TV for the TiVo Impaired
Top Chef
Another upset! Sure, Jamie's commentary was turning into white noise, but how was she voted off after Leah desecrated those sardines in front of Eric Ripert? Are they keeping her around until she blows Hosea? Wrong, wrong, wrong. 
United States of Tara
This new Showtime series, executive produced by Steven Spielberg and written by the ingenious Diablo Cody (Juno), impeccably executes the complex concept of multiple personality disorder into relatable, compelling viewing. Cody has found a literal way, through Toni Collette's brilliant performance, to dissect the maternal experience. And John Corbett don't hurt the eyes none either. Tune in.

Ugly Betty
This was one of my feel good faves and I was disappointed to learn this show is about to be shelved indefinitely. But it seems the spark has been sucked out of the plot lines already. Did one of the main writers quit? Justin hasn't had a single line of dialogue in weeks. The least they could do is have her get the heavy metal out of her mouth and French Amanda before the finale!

New York Times - The Parody

Paul Rudd, as always, is sheer perfection.

That's how I leave you this week, babies.  Stay gold!



Mr. Pink said...

um... "shooting meth into his penis" LOL. Seriously, give the dude a break. He's 22. Let him rip a few bong hits for god sakes. I'm with you on that one.

You get your road rage from Boston. All Boston drivers are crazy. Period.

BTW I was wondering if you would talk about the strange over saturation of the "Snuggie"... it's the blanket with sleeves!

Anonymous said...

Snuggies are scary...the turn you into "pod" people..
And not all Boston drivers are lookin at me??? I'll come down there and open up a can o'woop ass on you faster than you can say paak the caa in Havaad Yaad!

Anonymous said...

I have nothing against Michael Phelps hitting on a bong or whatever the fuck he was doing, but given his celebrity status, the gold medals and not to mention his role model status for tweens and teens, I can see why it's important. But seriously, if a kid is going to smoke a doobie, he/she will regardless of what Michael Phelps does. When I saw his apology on TV today, I whispered to myself as if he were in the room, "Michael, until you're no longer a household name, and merely a page in the Olympic history books, if you're gonna smoke a bone, do it in the privacy of your own home, preferable with the curtains drawn, and preferable 6 months before your next training." Nobody knows, nobody cares!

Anonymous said...

P.S. Re: Snuggies

I think they're weird and make you look like you belong to some kind of cult, but why waste your money? I've been wearing my bathrobe backwards to keep warm since I was a teenager, who stole my idea!