Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Real Housewife Speaks!

Hey, hey, hey!

There's no denying things are tough out there. But if I hear another sentence open with, "In this economy," I'm going to projectile vomit and not pay the offender's dry cleaning bill. 

Here's hoping the day fast approacheth when we can focus more on getting laid than laid off.

Real Housewives of NY Alex & Simon Talk to A Hag Supreme!
Our Boerum Hill bretheren Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen held court at a mega press event this week at Bruno Jamais Restaurant Club and the pear and sage-tinis were a-flowing! 

And are you ready for the kicker? It was to celebrate a parenting book they haven't even gotten a publisher for yet! 

It's nice to know someone's got cash ...wait for it...wait for it..."In This Economy!" (blech!).

Anywho, we chatted about how they decided to write a parenting book and Alex informed me, "It came together kind of organically. We got a number of emails asking very specific questions about the way we parented our children . How did we balance both of us working full time, did we like using a nanny vs an au pair, questions like that."  

Makes you wonder what brand of dolt was responsible for those emails. 

Now Alex & Simon certainly took a great deal of pride for their starring role in this pomp and circumstance, but as I dodged the wall-to-wall media patrons scarfing couture pigs-in-blankets and made my way toward the occurred to me that -- dare I say -- they also seemed *gulp* somewhat charming and earnest? 

Jessica Simpson - Heffer?

Sooooo...gurleen's gotten a bit comfy in her relationship and hit the fried chicken hard lately. So what? The fresh-lay 15 is oh- so-common amongst comfy couplings.

I tell you, so what. Who the fuck let her go outside in that outfit?
Those jeans are a crime against humanity! Holy camel toe! 

And who came up with the brilliant idea to accentuate the whole nightmare by draping a heavyweight championship belt around them, creating a shelf for her ample breasts? I'm sure the economy's been much kinder to her than I, and I can afford a fucking $20 full length mirror from IKEA.

Where the fuck was Ken Paves? No gay would let his alpha hag outside in that travesty unless she blew his boyfriend.

Jess dear, you are a lovely woman, no matter what you weigh. But a LONG jacket that hits just below the hips does wonders. Take heed!

Crawley McNugget is a quasi-pint-size playboy in the fickle and lust-filled town of Hell-Ay, even though he may not look the part. Like, at all. Regardless, Crawley's somewhat public womanizing track record shows he's gotten to bed many notorious (for nothing) ladies even though scores of coke-snorting bystanders manage to marvel at McNugget's success—through the haze of blow-filled highs, no less.

But look, the really ridic thing about the dude is that his real-life sex manners are not at all like the nice TV character he plays. Here's how:

As one would suspect of his unimaginative type, Crawly frequents the Hollywood club scene, a lot of the time with other famous pals, looking to score some ass. And he does too, tons. C.M. takes the babes back to his Hills home with the assumption that they're sure gonna do the dirty, and most of the time they sure do. Jeez, you straight chicks can be as easy as us gay slutty ones, I swear! I digress.

But for any gal who prefers to just fool around without closing the deal, be prepared for McNugget to scream louder than a Desperate Housewife with bad lighting. "Get out, then!" he will squeal with high-pitched yelping not dissimilar from the zealous Chihuahua he resembles. He then calls a cab for the discarded dame.

Gentlemanly? Hardly. Why, the last babe who got kicked to the curb dished to us that when the cabbie picked her up, the driver snarked, "What is this place?" She proceeded to tell him the name of the nonlikely hunk that lived there. "I'm here nightly," the cabby said. "Sometimes a couple times a night."

Guess you get cab fare whether you seal the deal or not. One thing's for certain: You don't get to spend the night. Ever. Why? Because the last honey Crawley tried to make it work with burned him for life. No joke. Life. Now, he treats his women as badly as she did him.

And It Ain't: John Mayer, Matt Dillon, Verne Troyer

It's Kevin Connelly - DUH!

Octuplet Momma HAD Six Kids!
With a sperm donor who has nothing to do with raising them! Is she MAD?! Just gestating one kid does a number on your bladder. This chick must be completely incontinent by now.

Here's the best part: Her parents lost their house helping with the kids so now her dad has to go back to Iraq to pay for the kids.

Think she'll forsake naming for numbering them?

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Jeff - A Sex Symbol? 
I'm telling you, I'm aghast at how this season is progressing so far. Jeff, the blonde pretty boy from Miami of ambiguous sexual orientation,  was ousted for losing a ceviche round against Josie from a prior season.
I call foul. This guy has pulled shit out of his ass that saved the day numerous times. 

According to an interview with, Jeff feels that Top Chef used him as a sex symbol.

Really? Sure, Jeff. You is pretty. But you've the personality of a speed bump.  And that sexy don't make.

If this keeps up, frigging Stefan is going home next.

Catherine Tate - John's A Gay Man Now

It's well worth the five minutes.


1 comment:

Noah Fecks said...

i'm still dying for "madonna and child" video...