Thursday, March 08, 2007

Momma Comma VS. Britney Spears

After following the rise, crest and fall of Ms. Britney Spears for a while now, it leaves me positively slackjawed. I feel sorry for the girl - I really do - but I think a lot of her problems are from never being told no. Somehow, she's gotten away with SO MUCH as a woman, mother, and human being. And it's given me cause to wonder...what would the consequences have been if I were the one who had the unmitigated balls to engage in the many and varied transgressions she has over the years? No wonder she looks so f*cking happy!


I decided to break it down....

Momma Comma VS. Britney Spears

Steals a pregnant woman's baby daddy right out from under her nose and flaunts it all over the news.
BS: Marries the loser while baby mama gracefully accepts her fate.

MC: Blind in one eye after run-in with said baby mama and a glass full of Grey Goose.

Postpartum recovery time.
BS: Awakens around noon to sounds of birds chirping after 10 hours of dreaming about butterflies, kisses babies on head and strolls out alone to Olympic size swimmming pool. Is promptly served Diet Cherry Coke and bag of Bugles on a silver tray, and is left to wile away the hours in peaceful silence as she flips through the latest issue of OK.

MC: Screach through baby monitor ejects her from bed after whopping two hours of sleep. Gulps down mug of coffee without remembering to brush teeth. Stuffs errant roots into hat and wrestles squiggly, screaming infant into snowsuit and Baby Bjorn. Nearly trips on patch of ice outside home by park, sparking a series of hardcore epithets en route into Met Food, while avoiding the pitiful glances of neighbors staring at mascara streaked cheeks.

Caught speeding down the PCH with her seven month old baby on her lap because “we’re country.”
BS: A polite visit from child services followed by a charming, apologetic phone call and request for autographed CD from the head of California Department of Social Services.

MC: Revoked drivers license and weekly in-home child welfare evaluation visits from low on chain, angry, sweatsuit-clad social worker named Bertha.

Passes out in plain view at own New Years Eve party.
BS: Quickly elevated and whisked out side door by bodyguards. Attorney grabs megaphone and reminds all in attendance about the ramifications of legally binding confidentiality agreements.

MC: Left to fester in own vomit until cleaning crew whiffs odious scent and discovers rotting carcass at dawn.

The morning after all night cokefest at Tenjune.
BS: Unconscious in presidential suite at Four Seasons hotel, wrapped around new best friend's legs in 400 thread count imported Italian sheets. Nanny occupies kids at Gymboree.

MC: After pouring a bottle of Visine into each eye, gargles (and possibly inadvertantly swallows) copious amounts of mouthwash before dragging children five blocks to daycare. Returns home and begs to be put out of misery from agony of sharp stake between eyes.

Strips down and switches outfits with "dancers" at New York nightclub.
BS: Hot three way sex followed by a day spent perusing endless blogs full of praise for hot post-baby bod.

MC: Dancer lunges for a towel and tries desperately to persuade MC that more is more. Mercifully shoves her in cab and throws in a $20.

Leaves children with nannies for days on end.
BS: Mama Lynne flies in to LA to supervise nanny crew and get brow wax from Anastacia.

MC: Children whisked off to foster family with only the clothes on their backs and no photos to remind them of bloodline. Picture on cover of Post followed by a caption: BAD MOTHER.

Shaves head in Encino barber shop.
BS: Gets cover of papers.

MC: Strangers lunge to cover her bald head with paper.

Abridged Weekly Goss

Reese + Jake = HOT: You GO girls!
Angie & Brad go for 4: Apparently Maddox isn't enough, they need a matching pair.

From the Friendly Skies
My new BFF Bryan sent this juicy tidbit my way...can you BELIEVE?

OJ - Anna Nicole's Baby Daddy? (TMZ)

And you thought that so-called Prince was ridiculous. Now, OJ Simpson
is the latest member of the human male species to throw his hat - and
sperm - into the paternity ring in the Anna Nicole Smith case. Norm
Pardo, a videographer who chronicled Simpson's movements for five years,
tells Page Six that the double-murder acquittee told him that he "knew
Anna Nicole pretty well," and - prepare for gross-out - that he had
"slow-moving sperm," and as a result might be the father. Actually, says
Pardo, OJ doesn't really want his possible paternity exposed, because, he
says, "I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money - or the baby
herself." Simpson and Smith appeared together in "Naked Gun 33 1/3: The
Final Insult."

Hope you enjoyed. That's it for this week kiddies!

xx
MC

70 comments:

toby said...

gross. oj simpson?? the baby looks very white to me..?

Momma Comma said...

LOL! I know! Too silly!

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