Ripped/Torn

Heidi, Hos!

Time for some deelish, nutrish goss for your Groundhog Day:

*ALERT* *ALERT* *GAYBOY* *GAYBOY*

I'm sure you GaGa lovers have all dissected the Grammies by now, but one things left unsaid -- the Jo Bro on the far right is gay from space. In case you so happened to drown this out with a martini shaker, behold and claim him for your own, Bitches.

Ripped/Torn

This pickled queen has no doubt seen better days!

Rip Torn was arrested Friday night for busting into a CT bank because he "thought it was his house." According to TMZ, stadies responded to an alarm at the Litchfield Bancorp building and found Torn wasted off his heinie with a loaded gun! They believe he B&E'ed to get in. He's now charged with carrying a gun without a permit, carrying a gun while fully loaded, first-degree burglary, first degree criminal trespass and third-degree criminal mischief.

Wait a sec...you can actually charge someone with criminal mischief? Why the fuck is that lil' Taylor Swift still corroding the streets? That rendition of Rhiannon on the Grammies is grounds for lock up. You'd think a Lautner lovin' HAG would know better than dare defame our sweet Stevie.

iMad @ iPad

Cock-a-doodle-DOUCHE, this thing looks cool.

All I want to know is how many of you gays are going to make me feel like an asshole for not clutching this hot little number on the subway?

Many thanks to Mr. Pink for this apt depiction of today's most absorbent source of feminine protection.

The rOsie & Oprah Show

Sounds like a drag king extravaganza at the Duplex, don't it?

O'Donnell spilled her guts on The Big O Show last week. I just love that woman. She's a loving mom, gets hot, quality poon, and has the balls to get up in Baba Wawa's grill and wave a finger when she thinks she's being hosed.

Her HBO doc, "A Family Is A Family Is A Family" is an adorable montage focused on love underscored with a strong message of equality. Tune in, WERD up.

Weed Makes You Gay

Holy DISTURBIA, Batman. This flagrant display of idiocy, with respect to homosexuality and weed, was actually aired in Canada. Ugh.

Another hearty contribution, courtesy of Sir Pink.

Change That Channel And I'll Cut A Bitch

A Florida woman stabbed her boyfriend when he decided to change the channel during American Idol!

Watch and try not to laugh. I dare you.

Okay, okay....I DVR'ed the premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race but haven't had a chance to see it yet. Tune into the next HAG for the breakdown, k?

Until then...LOVE!

xx

AHS

Goo-Goo For Guncs and GaGa

Happy 20-10 Cats & Kittens!

How YOU doin'?

GLAAD for GLEE!

Photo: Fox

Guess the folks over at ABC have a better handle on real life than the competition! They earned eight noms for this year's GLAAD media awards, because Brothers and Sisters, Modern Family and single episodes of Private Practice did a great job of aptly representing the gay community. And Glee was nominated as well - bien sur! Can't wait to see who wins!

Goo-Goo For GaGa

Photo: ticketloot.com

After keeping my head down in the interest of more pleasurable pursuits, I got to

a point where I could no longer block out the noise about today's high-priestess of gay cool, Lady GaGa. Sure, like MOI, she's fiercely loyal to her gays, is sexually ambiguous, is physically innovative and writes a memorable dance-pop hook, but I got to the point where I was like: What is it with you gays and your GaGa, all throwing roses and lighting candles to her high-ness? What's the big fucking deal? Then I gave myself a YouTube tutorial and had me a lightbulb moment.

What's that I hear? A round of applause?

Her clothing and makeup are FLAWLESS. She's got tits and a sweet ass a dead man would want for his own. She spends each video expertly working her burlesque training with lots of equal opportunity tongue. The sinful pump of her oh-so simple synth pop is decorated with lyrics that channel the mind of a gay man on the make -- the ultimate soundtrack to any dance floor enhanced by gauzy smoke. She's an unapologetic dirty girl who can look after her damn self.

It was love at first sight for you, but love at tenth sight for this HAG. But it's all love, right? Please forgive!

Everyone's mixing and remixing her music but here's a rendition of Poker Face you simply must take in the...assets.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

I watch, so you don't have to.

Conan The Barbarian

As Jay Leno's ten pm NBC talk show was a tuneless clusterfuck from the get-go, the Peacock is now threatening to shove aside Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show until after midnight to put Jay on at 11:30. Another tuneless clusterfuck, right?

Well, Sir Conan fought back and damn well, too. Here's a snippet of his statement:

"Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn't the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn't matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more."

Well played, Sir Conan. Lookie here, you just don't fuck with an Aries. It's stupid. Because we have principals. And if pushed against a wall, we WILL -- in a classy way mind you -- tell you to go fuck yourself. With step-by-step instructions, lest you forget how.

American Idol

I usually wait out tuning in until the finalists are in place because stupid people annoy me, but as the first round of auditions took place in my hometown of Boston, I had to snap it on. That and I felt compelled to see what Simon's siren song, and a Paula-less (he's out next year), season would look like.

I should start by saying I don't mind Vicki Beckham, I really don't. Don't ask me why. She certainly looked fierce. But each time she looked at a contestant, this blinding, neon "Vacancy" sign lit up between her eyes and singed my retinas and deemed them useless in the afterglare. It would've helped if she emitted more constructive bon mots than, "I like your shirt," or "You've got a nice little voice, haven't you?"

Next.

Jersey Shore

Let's swing on back to Jersey for a minute. A good amount of my gays have come forward in enjoying this delightful MESS of a show. Who can resist a good trainwreck? Not we! And besides my dear gays, I must say you're pretty good at dismissing the area above the neck when it comes to a hot chest in a wife beater. Creative nick-naming is our forte. And seeing as "fist pump" is a term that carries added depth in the gay and gay-friendly community, it's no wonder we're tuning in, in droves.

Gunc Love

On occasion, part of my job is to interview celebs. And lucky for me, there are times when I get to interview people that I'd actually enjoy drinking with in 3D. This happened this week. My MomLogic family put me in touch with Bill Horn (@BillHornWoHi) and Scout Masterson (@scoutmasterson), also known as The Guncs (gay uncles), from Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, and we did a piece about their quest to adopt. Such LOVELY gentlemen! Be sure to click and check it!

And if you know anyone who can help in their quest to add to their beautiful family, please contact them through their adoption website.

That's it for now, Bitches. LOVE!

xo

AHS

CaCa...Ooh La La!

Are your balls ready to jingle-jangle-jingle?

We Like Gays, Y'all!

I never ever thought I'd live to say this, but I'm throwing silver star cutout confetti at Houston, TX for electing the country's first openly gay mayor last week! This, in spite of a bunch of morons over there condemning her "homosexual behavior."

Several other U.S. cities, including Portland, Ore., Providence, R.I., and Cambridge, Mass., have openly gay mayors, but none are as large as Houston.

According to a Yahoo news article, "This election has changed the world for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community. Just as it is about transforming the lives of all Houstonians for the better, and that's what my administration will be about," Parker told supporters after her opponent, Gene Locke, conceded defeat.

Parker's victory comes after a slew of shiteous gay rights setbacks, like NY's failure to pass the gay marriage bill and Maine-r's repealing the Legislature's passage of a same-sex marriage state law.

A BIG Win for NYC Trans Community

Meanwhile, back here in the big fat (Adams) apple, Governor Paterson signed a bill yesterday that includes transgendered people in anti-discrimination policies that govern state agencies.

This order represents the broadest protection ever extended to transgender public employees in New York State.

The NY Times reports in their authoritative font: "Though state antidiscrimination law includes gay men and lesbians, it is silent on the issue of transgender people. And while Mr. Paterson’s order will not have the sweep of a statute enacted by the State Legislature because it will apply only to state agencies, gay and transgender rights advocates said it would be a first step toward including gender identity and expression protections in state law."

You gotta give it up to the guy. In spite of the defeat of the same-sex marriage bill, he seems to be doing everything in his power to fight for equality.

Speaking of trannies...

CaCa...Oooh La La!

GENIUS! Many thanks to my boys at Fart On Tits!

Taylor Lautner on SNL

GRRRLLLLS....we've previously discussed the ridunkulousity of the concept of "gayface," but dear God on Christopher Street, here is an instance there is no denying. See for yourself. There are fewer things gayer on planet earth and the vast realms of space than this cutie blowing a kiss...

That lucky Taylor Swift! I mean what HAG wouldn't give her left tit-tay for a gay she can hide behind in times of danger?

This Is Just Funny

Who knew Ri-Ri had more to her than hot legs, a toneless voice and an asymmetrical hairdo? Hey, the holidays are all about pleasant surprises!

That's it for now! Sending all of you abundant air kisses and best wishes for a festive, fornicalicious holiday season!

xx

AHS

Talk Show

Hey Y'all!

Chaz On GMA!

HAWT off the press! Check out Chaz Bono's first TV appearance as a man! So amazing to see him realized!

America Loves The Ladies

Ever notice all the best American talk show hosts are lesbians? There's Ellen, Rosie and Oh....YEAH! Wanda Sykes!

Caught her spanky new show last week. Eeesh. I really do love me some Wanda, but I must regretfully state my disappointment. It seems the issue lies in formatting. The assemblage of stand-up to round table to haggy dishing with BFF to snippets seemed a bit jumbled.

Anywho, the absolute best thing about the show is that she was way more lesbionic than the other girls. By virtue of her spin on the material, and the delicious drag queen as one of her side dishes, there left no question which side of the closet door Sykes is on. She didn't wear an "L Word" t-shirt or anything, but she acknowledged who she was and what she stood for.

My two-cents? Seeing as Sykes has a whole week to get her shit together, she should lose the Merv Griffin soundstage and take the Chappelle route, combining stand-up/pre-taped vignettes mocking the week's issues.

Hear me Wanda? I've spoken. Now about those two cents you owe me...

Another penny: What an ironic tragedy that these lovely lesbians have won the hearts of a greater America who won't let them get married.

Risking Kids To Defeat Gay Marriage

Nothing pisses me off more than a piece of shit hater who dares use God as an excuse.

My old pal Kevin Dwyer wrote this revealing post for the Huffington Post about how head doo-doo Edward Orzechowski, President and CEO of the CCDC, says the gay marriage bill will "force" Catholic Charities

to shut down, royally screwing all those who need their help without so much as a pucker.

" 'Without robust protections for religion, this legislation forces us into a position of either violating the law or ending necessary services to the poor. . . . The bottom line is that this bill as written would hurt the children, families and men and women who count on Catholic Charities, our parishes and other religious entities to give them the care, the respect and the dignity they deserve to renew their lives.' "

Kev asks: "This begs the following question: Is the Archdiocese of Washington D.C. actually openly threatening children who d

epend on its charity (75% of that charity is provided by the American Taxpayer, by the way, as Orzechowski admits in his testimony) simply because the good people of the District of Columbia plan to extend the franchise of marriage to gay people? Are the lives of these children so expendable that the Catholic Church is willing to abandon them to maintain its codified demonization of homosexuality in the public square?"

Go Kev, for pulling their pants down in public! 'Bout fucking time someone did.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

O-Go Bye-Bye

*Sniff* You're on your own, Bitches.

"After much prayer and careful thought," The Divine Ms. O (Don't go scratchin' me Bette! It works!) is callin' it quits after 25 years to focus on OWN - the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Surprised? I'm not. Dieties have to prioritize and when you are running an empire, you simply can't be all things to all people.

This only effects me marginally, as I only tune into The Oprah Winfrey Show when there's a phenomenal star on, or during a sick day. In fact, sick days aren't sick days to me without a blessing from the Ope.

How the hell am I going to live my best life now? And whose nuts do I have to fondle to score a B12 shot?

Californ-equation

It's no secret among those who know my biznazz I'm somewhat of a spiritual Angeleno. Which is why I was extra honored when my delicious peeps at MomLogic asked me to represent on CaliforniaWomen.org, the official website of The Women's Conference. That's right, Bitches - Maria Shriver, Jillian Michaels and ME. It gets a little haglicious toward the end, when I muse about how I miss my Thanksgivings with my darling Kenzo.

I didn't get to say it in that piece, but I'm also grateful for the many Thanksgivings I spent with Jenzo her family, for treating me like family and making my formative Thanksgivings back in MA happy ones.

Hearts and Flowers to You Bitches! Don't fear the cornbread!

xo

Downward Dogs

Hi Y'all!

Here's the latest HAG NEWS:

Bea Leaves Cake To Homeless Gay Youth

Hag Supreme Bea Arthur left over $300k to New York's Ali Fortney Center, an organization supporting homeless LGBT kids. The center was really struggling in light of the economic crisis and now, thanks to Saint Bea, the bills'll get paid.

Guess in some ways, you CAN take it with you.

Ever want to know how it feels to have a vagina? Well this comely image is sure turn your erection inside out.

Fat Guy In A Lotus Pose

Oh to be a bubble over Kate Gosselin's frosted head. There is nothing less peaceful than this fugly display.

Who the fuck is this idiot's publicist? Does he actually think a few repulsive shots of his lovehandles oozing over the waistband of his poom-poom shorts will erase the fact that he spent $150k of his family's cash on hookers and Ed Hardy bedazzled condoms? That we'll actually believe he's winding down the path of righteous behavior?

Um, NO. So take that, you downward dog.

Maine The Stain

Well, Maine just sharted on the rest of New England, ay? This past Tuesday, voters repealed a state law allowing gays to wed. This is just six months after the law was passed by the Maine legislature and was signed by the Governor. One site said the naysayers won 53% - 47%.

Fuckers. You'd expect more from a state with a plaid state flag and a view of Canada from its back porch.

Speaking of skidmarks...

I'll Dance To Death!

This had me rolling. Many thanks to my pal Noah Fecks for this amazing snip that aptly depicts what drag queens get up to when fucking around on their laptops all high on meth.

If you are the sensitive type who crosses her legs at the sound of the "c" word, click "play" at your own risk.

And last but not least, for you non-tuckers who grapple with moisture where you jingle, jangle, jingle...

Don't Leave Your Guys Hangin'!

Enjoy!

xx

AHS

Money = Mouth

Howdy Bitches!

Getty Images

So our hawttie Nobel Peace Prize winning Prez Barack Obama finally came out and said he was out to end the ridiculous 16-year-old Don't Ask, Don't Tell military policy. He also appealed to Congress to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, a limitation of how state and federal bodies recognize domestic partnerships in providing government benefits.

All good stuff. He didn't say WHEN this stuff would go down however, and as a result gays far and wide remain skeptical about the Prez's intent to fight for equality in earnest.

I've gotta say, I sure as shit don't envy that dude. So many piles of shit to clean up, so little time. But this is BUNK. If he does right by the my gay brethren, I get (French) tickled by the message it would send the rest of the world. How're we supposed to show the world how freedom and equality can work if it's only happening here at home for part of the population? There's only so much Neil Patrick Harris can do by himself.

Some food for thought here, My Big O.

In the meantime, the Haglicious Ms. Lady Gaga redeemed herself in mine eyes with this basic yet effective speech. Please note how she maintains her impeccable Madonna inflection throughout and shouts out Barney Frank and Judy Garland to score extra Hag points. Bless God and bless the Gays!

The "F" Word

The "F" word is like the "N" word - it's only funny when tossed by the mouths of those in the demographic.

But what about Hags, who theoretically straddle the great demographic divide? As this cartoon depicts, the "F" word is used as a descriptor in jest, completely devoid of mal intent. We call ourselves HAG, after all. But no one wants to alienate their very best friends. So weigh in below, gays. We'd love to know how you feel.

TV For The TiVo Impaired

Pro-jhay Runway

Is it me, or has this fave just organically jumped the shark? Where are the Santinos, the Chris Marches and the Nick Verreos's? Shit, even the Stellas? BO-RING. This round of contestants have personalities like speed bumps and designs to match. No wonder Logan was spared. His design was heinous but with the overabundance of girlie action in the top tier, gals and gays need something to look at. Straight guys don't voluntarily snap this shit on to ogle Irina, fine as she may be, toss her glossy locks around. And LAWD knows the clothes ain't enough to keep me riveted this go-round.

Top Chef

Fell asleep during this show the past three times I've watched it. The only thing that woke me was the surprising verdict to eliminate Ashley. Note to Bravo casting folks - keep the Fabio's coming, will ya? As you've gleaned through your Real Housewife series, personality is EVERYTHING. I'm into girl power and all, but as great a cook as Jennifer is, I'm not exactly going to bust out in a chorus of Kumbaya if she wins.

The Highs of Bravery

An oldie, but DAY-UM what a goodie. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

xx

AHS

PRIDE Begins At Home

This week, Laurie and Teri, two card-carrying members of the Hagosphere, joined me on a sojurn to the Legion Bar in Williamsburg to attend my dear pal Out About Brooklyn's benefit screening of "Small Town Gay Bar" for The Brooklyn Community Pride Center. Having attended a hilarious reading of Prospect Park West by the ever-so haglicious authoress Amy Sohn en route, we were a bit tardy. But once fueled up with a couple stealth GG dirties, we made our presence known and had a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Sadly, Brooklyn is the only borough in NYC minus an LGBT center, despite the robust gayborhoods of Park Slope, downtown and HS HQ, right here in the CG. So check out their site and do whatcha can to show the sweeties some love, 'mmmmkay?

LiLo IS So-Low

Photo: DListed

Surprise, surprise. Desk LA reports that Lindsey Lohan attended a meeting at a cable network, but refused to shake the hand of the assistant charged with greeting her, snarling, "I don't do that," or some shiteous stank to that effect.

Someone needs to remind her she's not exactly first in line for a meet and greet at the oval office. Her oval orifice, maybe. If girlfriend wants to resurrect her Afterschool Special of a career, she better learn to do a better job of shaking babies and kissing hands, and right quick. We all know that the people you meet instead of going down, might be on their way up someday.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Gossip Girl

Photo: CW promo

Honestly, I don't know how it happened. I was an innocent bystander, mocking these pretty hopheads with each page-turn of an US magazine. But one evening, whist I waited for something better to come on, I flipped onto this stupidity. And in a flash...I was gone.

What captivates me, you may ask? I ask myself the same. Blake Lively's leggy blondeness and throaty laugh? Ed Westwick's propensity for houndstooth? Leighton Meester's saucy little minx-ness? Chace Crawford's adorable lil' gayface? Jessica Szohr's obvious extensions? The clothes? The dialogue?

Let's be clear - Bonfire of the Vanities, this is not. But I swear it's as if they've offered me a bump. Who wouldn't want to indulge in a vapid fantasy world of being young, gorgeous, loaded and loaded in rich man's NYC?

There ain't no paps hanging 'round my bush, so to speak. It's kind of fun to see how the other half lives.

But I don't get that low-budge Courtney Love one. She's what represents punk rebellion? Skunk, more like. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it feels so very soft core and poseur without the requisite cutting, barbiturates and strap-ons. Flash some pierced clit, then we'll talk.

Chelsea Lately

I don't often say I told you so, but please review this three and a half year-old post about how I fell in love with this bitch before all y'all. Back when it was called "The Chelsea Handler Show." 'Member?

Now that she's scored an interview with Jennifer Aniston (one of the lamest & tamest I've ever witnessed, but I'm sure that was part of the agreement), watch for the guests to escalate to A-List and tix to be harder than early am boy bladder to come by. Work it out, Soul Sister!

As always, you are completely fierce, but my only objection is to one of your hair people. There are nights it looks great but what was up with the bushy-tail last night? Do you know you've got some bouf action on top of your head that makes you look like Meredith Viera's burnout kid sister? Your amazing spirit is clearly not one of a 50 year old Today show co-host. Fuck the blowdryer and hairspray and go edgy shag, already.

You're welcome.

And if you readers so happen to make her acquaintance, do me a solid and inform her that this wacky bitch longs to be plucked from obscurity to assume her rightful position on her round table. Hey, I'm flexible enough to bend over. We all know my guns are big enough to help hold her drunk ass up. My boobs are longer than Heather's. And, I'm just the right size to keep Chuy company.

Whatever You Do, "Keep Fucking That Chicken!"

I take great joy in watching stoic newscasters let loose and cuss. In crediting his weather man for keeping rain at bay, Ernie Anastos hereby gives us a great for-instance. I guess we now know who bogarted the flask that night. The look on his co-anchor's face is PRICELESS. I'm shocked he had nothing colorful to add during her boobie-boinging aerobic segment.

That's it for now, bitches!

Love & Rockets,

xx

AHS

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