Talk Show

Hey Y'all!

Chaz On GMA!

HAWT off the press! Check out Chaz Bono's first TV appearance as a man! So amazing to see him realized!

America Loves The Ladies

Ever notice all the best American talk show hosts are lesbians? There's Ellen, Rosie and Oh....YEAH! Wanda Sykes!

Caught her spanky new show last week. Eeesh. I really do love me some Wanda, but I must regretfully state my disappointment. It seems the issue lies in formatting. The assemblage of stand-up to round table to haggy dishing with BFF to snippets seemed a bit jumbled.

Anywho, the absolute best thing about the show is that she was way more lesbionic than the other girls. By virtue of her spin on the material, and the delicious drag queen as one of her side dishes, there left no question which side of the closet door Sykes is on. She didn't wear an "L Word" t-shirt or anything, but she acknowledged who she was and what she stood for.

My two-cents? Seeing as Sykes has a whole week to get her shit together, she should lose the Merv Griffin soundstage and take the Chappelle route, combining stand-up/pre-taped vignettes mocking the week's issues.

Hear me Wanda? I've spoken. Now about those two cents you owe me...

Another penny: What an ironic tragedy that these lovely lesbians have won the hearts of a greater America who won't let them get married.

Risking Kids To Defeat Gay Marriage

Nothing pisses me off more than a piece of shit hater who dares use God as an excuse.

My old pal Kevin Dwyer wrote this revealing post for the Huffington Post about how head doo-doo Edward Orzechowski, President and CEO of the CCDC, says the gay marriage bill will "force" Catholic Charities

to shut down, royally screwing all those who need their help without so much as a pucker.

" 'Without robust protections for religion, this legislation forces us into a position of either violating the law or ending necessary services to the poor. . . . The bottom line is that this bill as written would hurt the children, families and men and women who count on Catholic Charities, our parishes and other religious entities to give them the care, the respect and the dignity they deserve to renew their lives.' "

Kev asks: "This begs the following question: Is the Archdiocese of Washington D.C. actually openly threatening children who d

epend on its charity (75% of that charity is provided by the American Taxpayer, by the way, as Orzechowski admits in his testimony) simply because the good people of the District of Columbia plan to extend the franchise of marriage to gay people? Are the lives of these children so expendable that the Catholic Church is willing to abandon them to maintain its codified demonization of homosexuality in the public square?"

Go Kev, for pulling their pants down in public! 'Bout fucking time someone did.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

O-Go Bye-Bye

*Sniff* You're on your own, Bitches.

"After much prayer and careful thought," The Divine Ms. O (Don't go scratchin' me Bette! It works!) is callin' it quits after 25 years to focus on OWN - the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Surprised? I'm not. Dieties have to prioritize and when you are running an empire, you simply can't be all things to all people.

This only effects me marginally, as I only tune into The Oprah Winfrey Show when there's a phenomenal star on, or during a sick day. In fact, sick days aren't sick days to me without a blessing from the Ope.

How the hell am I going to live my best life now? And whose nuts do I have to fondle to score a B12 shot?

Californ-equation

It's no secret among those who know my biznazz I'm somewhat of a spiritual Angeleno. Which is why I was extra honored when my delicious peeps at MomLogic asked me to represent on CaliforniaWomen.org, the official website of The Women's Conference. That's right, Bitches - Maria Shriver, Jillian Michaels and ME. It gets a little haglicious toward the end, when I muse about how I miss my Thanksgivings with my darling Kenzo.

I didn't get to say it in that piece, but I'm also grateful for the many Thanksgivings I spent with Jenzo her family, for treating me like family and making my formative Thanksgivings back in MA happy ones.

Hearts and Flowers to You Bitches! Don't fear the cornbread!

xo

Downward Dogs

Hi Y'all!

Here's the latest HAG NEWS:

Bea Leaves Cake To Homeless Gay Youth

Hag Supreme Bea Arthur left over $300k to New York's Ali Fortney Center, an organization supporting homeless LGBT kids. The center was really struggling in light of the economic crisis and now, thanks to Saint Bea, the bills'll get paid.

Guess in some ways, you CAN take it with you.

Ever want to know how it feels to have a vagina? Well this comely image is sure turn your erection inside out.

Fat Guy In A Lotus Pose

Oh to be a bubble over Kate Gosselin's frosted head. There is nothing less peaceful than this fugly display.

Who the fuck is this idiot's publicist? Does he actually think a few repulsive shots of his lovehandles oozing over the waistband of his poom-poom shorts will erase the fact that he spent $150k of his family's cash on hookers and Ed Hardy bedazzled condoms? That we'll actually believe he's winding down the path of righteous behavior?

Um, NO. So take that, you downward dog.

Maine The Stain

Well, Maine just sharted on the rest of New England, ay? This past Tuesday, voters repealed a state law allowing gays to wed. This is just six months after the law was passed by the Maine legislature and was signed by the Governor. One site said the naysayers won 53% - 47%.

Fuckers. You'd expect more from a state with a plaid state flag and a view of Canada from its back porch.

Speaking of skidmarks...

I'll Dance To Death!

This had me rolling. Many thanks to my pal Noah Fecks for this amazing snip that aptly depicts what drag queens get up to when fucking around on their laptops all high on meth.

If you are the sensitive type who crosses her legs at the sound of the "c" word, click "play" at your own risk.

And last but not least, for you non-tuckers who grapple with moisture where you jingle, jangle, jingle...

Don't Leave Your Guys Hangin'!

Enjoy!

xx

AHS

Money = Mouth

Howdy Bitches!

Getty Images

So our hawttie Nobel Peace Prize winning Prez Barack Obama finally came out and said he was out to end the ridiculous 16-year-old Don't Ask, Don't Tell military policy. He also appealed to Congress to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, a limitation of how state and federal bodies recognize domestic partnerships in providing government benefits.

All good stuff. He didn't say WHEN this stuff would go down however, and as a result gays far and wide remain skeptical about the Prez's intent to fight for equality in earnest.

I've gotta say, I sure as shit don't envy that dude. So many piles of shit to clean up, so little time. But this is BUNK. If he does right by the my gay brethren, I get (French) tickled by the message it would send the rest of the world. How're we supposed to show the world how freedom and equality can work if it's only happening here at home for part of the population? There's only so much Neil Patrick Harris can do by himself.

Some food for thought here, My Big O.

In the meantime, the Haglicious Ms. Lady Gaga redeemed herself in mine eyes with this basic yet effective speech. Please note how she maintains her impeccable Madonna inflection throughout and shouts out Barney Frank and Judy Garland to score extra Hag points. Bless God and bless the Gays!

The "F" Word

The "F" word is like the "N" word - it's only funny when tossed by the mouths of those in the demographic.

But what about Hags, who theoretically straddle the great demographic divide? As this cartoon depicts, the "F" word is used as a descriptor in jest, completely devoid of mal intent. We call ourselves HAG, after all. But no one wants to alienate their very best friends. So weigh in below, gays. We'd love to know how you feel.

TV For The TiVo Impaired

Pro-jhay Runway

Is it me, or has this fave just organically jumped the shark? Where are the Santinos, the Chris Marches and the Nick Verreos's? Shit, even the Stellas? BO-RING. This round of contestants have personalities like speed bumps and designs to match. No wonder Logan was spared. His design was heinous but with the overabundance of girlie action in the top tier, gals and gays need something to look at. Straight guys don't voluntarily snap this shit on to ogle Irina, fine as she may be, toss her glossy locks around. And LAWD knows the clothes ain't enough to keep me riveted this go-round.

Top Chef

Fell asleep during this show the past three times I've watched it. The only thing that woke me was the surprising verdict to eliminate Ashley. Note to Bravo casting folks - keep the Fabio's coming, will ya? As you've gleaned through your Real Housewife series, personality is EVERYTHING. I'm into girl power and all, but as great a cook as Jennifer is, I'm not exactly going to bust out in a chorus of Kumbaya if she wins.

The Highs of Bravery

An oldie, but DAY-UM what a goodie. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

xx

AHS

PRIDE Begins At Home

This week, Laurie and Teri, two card-carrying members of the Hagosphere, joined me on a sojurn to the Legion Bar in Williamsburg to attend my dear pal Out About Brooklyn's benefit screening of "Small Town Gay Bar" for The Brooklyn Community Pride Center. Having attended a hilarious reading of Prospect Park West by the ever-so haglicious authoress Amy Sohn en route, we were a bit tardy. But once fueled up with a couple stealth GG dirties, we made our presence known and had a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Sadly, Brooklyn is the only borough in NYC minus an LGBT center, despite the robust gayborhoods of Park Slope, downtown and HS HQ, right here in the CG. So check out their site and do whatcha can to show the sweeties some love, 'mmmmkay?

LiLo IS So-Low

Photo: DListed

Surprise, surprise. Desk LA reports that Lindsey Lohan attended a meeting at a cable network, but refused to shake the hand of the assistant charged with greeting her, snarling, "I don't do that," or some shiteous stank to that effect.

Someone needs to remind her she's not exactly first in line for a meet and greet at the oval office. Her oval orifice, maybe. If girlfriend wants to resurrect her Afterschool Special of a career, she better learn to do a better job of shaking babies and kissing hands, and right quick. We all know that the people you meet instead of going down, might be on their way up someday.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Gossip Girl

Photo: CW promo

Honestly, I don't know how it happened. I was an innocent bystander, mocking these pretty hopheads with each page-turn of an US magazine. But one evening, whist I waited for something better to come on, I flipped onto this stupidity. And in a flash...I was gone.

What captivates me, you may ask? I ask myself the same. Blake Lively's leggy blondeness and throaty laugh? Ed Westwick's propensity for houndstooth? Leighton Meester's saucy little minx-ness? Chace Crawford's adorable lil' gayface? Jessica Szohr's obvious extensions? The clothes? The dialogue?

Let's be clear - Bonfire of the Vanities, this is not. But I swear it's as if they've offered me a bump. Who wouldn't want to indulge in a vapid fantasy world of being young, gorgeous, loaded and loaded in rich man's NYC?

There ain't no paps hanging 'round my bush, so to speak. It's kind of fun to see how the other half lives.

But I don't get that low-budge Courtney Love one. She's what represents punk rebellion? Skunk, more like. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it feels so very soft core and poseur without the requisite cutting, barbiturates and strap-ons. Flash some pierced clit, then we'll talk.

Chelsea Lately

I don't often say I told you so, but please review this three and a half year-old post about how I fell in love with this bitch before all y'all. Back when it was called "The Chelsea Handler Show." 'Member?

Now that she's scored an interview with Jennifer Aniston (one of the lamest & tamest I've ever witnessed, but I'm sure that was part of the agreement), watch for the guests to escalate to A-List and tix to be harder than early am boy bladder to come by. Work it out, Soul Sister!

As always, you are completely fierce, but my only objection is to one of your hair people. There are nights it looks great but what was up with the bushy-tail last night? Do you know you've got some bouf action on top of your head that makes you look like Meredith Viera's burnout kid sister? Your amazing spirit is clearly not one of a 50 year old Today show co-host. Fuck the blowdryer and hairspray and go edgy shag, already.

You're welcome.

And if you readers so happen to make her acquaintance, do me a solid and inform her that this wacky bitch longs to be plucked from obscurity to assume her rightful position on her round table. Hey, I'm flexible enough to bend over. We all know my guns are big enough to help hold her drunk ass up. My boobs are longer than Heather's. And, I'm just the right size to keep Chuy company.

Whatever You Do, "Keep Fucking That Chicken!"

I take great joy in watching stoic newscasters let loose and cuss. In crediting his weather man for keeping rain at bay, Ernie Anastos hereby gives us a great for-instance. I guess we now know who bogarted the flask that night. The look on his co-anchor's face is PRICELESS. I'm shocked he had nothing colorful to add during her boobie-boinging aerobic segment.

That's it for now, bitches!

Love & Rockets,

xx

AHS

© 2009 All rights reserved. Or Kiss. My. Ass.

What Is Gayface?

Hey Sweeties!

How's your summer so far? Are you being randy and handy? Here at last is your faithful HAG to get you on the good foot!

What Is Gayface?

Lots of folks may have their feelings about Sir Perez Hilton, but you can't deny his success, nor his ability to call anyone out on their shit. He drags some Hollywood gays out of the closet kicking and screaming and with others, he merely points out their "gayface."

This is a term some of my gays find humorous, others offensive. No one on earth wants to be judged by their looks or sexuality. But whether we like to admit it or not, we all compartmentalize to some degree.

When sizing up boys for sexual preference, I suppose I silently register 'gayface' before my gaydar goes whoot whoot. And as a lover of all men who love men, I can honestly say that stereotyping doesn't even subconsciously enter into it. It's like saying that Armenian chicks have big asses or that art students are obnoxiously affected -- these attributes, more often than not, simply point one toward a tendency -- not an actuality.

So let's see if it holds true. For the purposes of maintaining the integrity of this experiment, I've chosen men with similar features and coloring. For example, I say this fella, let's call him Exhibit A (Zachary Quinto), possesses a classic case of "gayface." Here I will walk you through the "5 Factor" or the five clues that led me to this conclusion.

Exhibit A

1. Note the perfectly negotiated negative landing strip between the brows. This is not the work of a Tweezerman. Wax has come between those brows and it was applied by a professional.

2. The five o'clock shadow is even, hinting that his face was purposefully mowed with expert utensils.

3. The impeccably muted sheen of his skin hints at possible use of Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil, where a straight actor might require thicker coverage for more damaged skin due to lack of facials.

4. The smooth forehead points toward prophylactic use of Botox or other skin preservant.

5. The clumping of hair points toward generous application of hair product.

Now, we move onto Exhibit B (Eddie Cibrian), whom we'll call "Straightface." Or as recent reports about him leaving his wife and young children for skanky LeeAnn Rimes would have it, "Doucheface."

Exhibit B

1. Note the telltale wayward scruff that's gathered around and between the brows. This is a classic clue that distinguishes gayface from straightface.

2. The five o'clock shadow is remarkably uneven, indicating this man takes a razor to his own very own face. Using an over the counter razor and skin care regimens you can obtain at CVS, no less.

3. Wrinkles embedded in forehead point markedly toward a preference in embedding women over men.

4. Allowance for moles and freckling show lack of professional dermatological attention.

5. Hefty baggage beneath eyes and ample crows feet further underline matters 2 and 4.

So there you have it. Sure, not all gay men are consumed with obtaining professional help for matters above the neck, but most will admit that attending to those issues consume 2-4 more hours a week than it does for a straight man. Trust.

Of course, my ability to sport eyeliner like guyliner and coif my brows may well deem me a Hagface -- a pussy who anticipates and fears the impact of gay male critique -- but I digress.

RIP Gaydar?

This recent article in the NY Post, wonderously points out that you can't judge a gay by his cover. No shit, Sherlock.

"Gay men are butcher than they used to be, and straight men aren't as inclined to butch it up as much," says Ross von Metzke, editor of Advocate.com.

The article goes on to point out that, as metrosexuals have "dipped their toes in the proverbial waters of prettiness," meaning you can no longer tell a breeder by a baseball cap, homosexuality has become more visible in mainstream media, and gender lines have gone and blurred.

She claims it's awkward asking a man if he's straight, which is totally true. But because straight men have gay friends? Wha? Gay men have to ask too, you know.

"I think [straight] guys are genuinely interested in hanging out with gay people," von Metzke says. "As society evolves, people are much less inclined to be weird about it. I don't necessarily think that gaydar is dead. I think that it's becoming a strange sort of middle ground that's hard to determine."

There's some truth to this. But as A Hag Supreme, I beg to differ. Gaydar is alive and thumpin' -- thanks very much. It's just not completely foolproof, nor is it bestowed upon everyone. Laser sharp gaydar isn't gifted to just any hetero who follows a few Bravo shows, or has a gay buddy across the cubicle at work. It takes years and years of awkward moments to cultivate and hone. So grab a clean strap-on and get to it, honey!

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Top Chef - The Gender Benders Addition

The masters series was a snorefest of niceties and we get to spend a whole 'nuther season watching rapt for Padma Lakshmi's upper lip to move. In the spirit of this gayface entry, 80% of this season's contenders must've checked off the "sexually ambiguous" box on the entry application because Team Rainbow is in effect - fuh' shuh.' This team was a true test of "gayface." If not for the name Ashley, I'd a pegged one lanky contestant as a 20 year old EMO guitar player with gently dangling penii. Ironically, its last name is "Merriman."

At first glance my predictions for the top 5:

Jen - the bitchy chick who worked for Ripert

The Brothers - 'cos sibling rivalry makes for good TV

Jesse - here's hoping we don't see her get spinach caught in her chin divet

Mattin - because he's French

"I've Got Odors In Special Places."

That's it for now, my beautiful babies!

With much love, your ever faithful,

HAG SUPREME

Rubber Biscuits

WELCOME to this Deluxe Video Edition of A Hag Supreme!

Bruno! (can't figure the umlaut)

Last night, I had the privilege of swirling in a Hag storm that swept into our local cinema to see the controversial Bruno. 

I completely see writer Brett Berk's point in saying Bruno brings little more than "pinkfacialization" to the big screen. In fact, I completely agree with his questioning the cost of cartooning "gay" to expose hatred from swingers, right wing political candidates, inbred, toothless cage fighting fanatics and gun-toting rednecks -- hatred that we are all already well aware of.

Was it obvious? Yes. Brazen? Yep. Outrageous? Yes 'm. Was a champagne bottle inserted into various orifii? Why, sure. Were there Nazi jokes? Uh huh, but with Mel Gibson at the butt. Did I laugh my ass off at a spinning penis with a head that shouts, "Bruno!" You betch'yer pedal-dildos I did. We all did. It was 90 minutes of salted nuts, seasoned to appeal to an acquired taste. 

Gays! In Uniform, Even!

Rubber Biscuit, Anyone?

A flying condom certainly beats one in the pool. The one time I escape solo for a quick dip and a tan at the Red Hook pool this summer and we're all ousted early because a condom was found floating about. Yep. And it wasn't a recession neon floatie for a very small person. 

I promptly went home and boiled myself.

America's Next Top Top

The genius doing Joan has the voice DOWN. My personal fave, for all obvious reasons, is "Pony."

Enjoy!

xo

AHS

Litigious Trannies and Gay Boyfriends

Hey Honeys!

Mini-post time. I wanted to wait until I saw Bruno to post, but that won't be until next week, so here's a little amuse-bouche to keep your tongue-tied and bush amused.

One Hag's View

I'll admit it - I'm hooked on Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. Not because I enjoy torturing myself with aspirational reality garbage, or because I give a flying fuck about what she's wearing, or because I relate to her parenting/work juggle. I really can't because I struggle through without the benefit of live-in help, so that shit just annoys me, much as I've grown fond of the lady.

I'm hooked because I have a serious case of Gay Envy. Her Gays are an example to all about how Gays should treat their Hags. They are incredibly loving and supportive and will even fly out to her side when necessary, because she'd do that for them. My gurl, fellow Hag Supreme Teri and I pondered whether these boys flock under her skirt just because she's "Tori," or because they want five of their fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe that's how the got in, but you can tell that's not why they're staying. It's truly an example of Hag/Gay love to behold. My mascara starts to smudge just thinking about it.

So c'mon boys! Emancipate yourselves from whatever shiny object is distracting you and Hug A Hag today. Give 'em their due. Because a Hag-free world would be a lonely world indeed.

Preach!

In today's NY Daily News, a trannie is suing NYC's ass after suffering harassment from co-workers. 

  

Chanel Birden, nee Andrew Birden, says city workers discriminated against her with slurs and by gasping, "What in the world is that?" when she used the ladies' room.

The NYDN reports that Birden lasted two months at her mail clerk job in Central Park before getting the ax in May, allegedly in retaliation for complaining about crass insults.

"There is no mistaking me when you see me - this is definitely a girl," Birden said. "It's not like you're looking at a messy man with a wig on."

"And I'm a gorgeous woman at that," Birden said. "I would always go to work looking very glamorous."

Preach, darling! Hope you get your share.

You'll Always Be My Favorite Fag

Many thanks to my pal Jon-ish for posting this on Facebook!

Enjoy the heat this weekend!

xx

AHS